Anyone who drove down I-75 last week near St. Bernard probably thought to themselves, You know what? The air smells really great now that Barack Obama has been elected president. It just goes to show you the power of a liberal, progressive black man being elected to our nation's highest office.

I don't need to be the one to tell you that it's been a pretty rough week for a lot of people. This whole "getting a candidate we actually wanted and voted for" elected as the next president of the United States has left millions upon millions of us — except the rich assholes who voted for John McCain — without things to complain about.

I know that change starts with me, and so I've been wracking my brain trying since Election Day to figure out how to become a better American. Then I thought of a quote Barack Obama said to his daughters during his victory speech: "You have earned the new puppy that's coming with us to the White House." That's it! Take one of mine.

PROVIDENIYA, RUSSIA — An annual outdoor concert and celebration here was mistaken by Alaskan authorities as a military operation, causing Gov. Sarah Palin to alert the Department of Homeland Security to "a well-organized collection of giant wooden warriors fiercely practicing formation changes and fighting."

I'm writing to extend my sincere appreciation for your support during this campaign. When Michelle and I undertook this journey more than 21 months ago, we knew that we had to have your help in order for this movement to succeed.